E.Post #3
I’m typing this after posting a story on Instagram where I share that I realised while walking this morning that I have become slightly enslaved to trying to ‘achieve wellness and wholeness.’ (again)
By enslaved, I mean, it’s almost a hyperfocus, a drivenness, every day to include as many of the wellness things I know of and can manage to fit in. Like I said in my insta story, I don’t have an issue with the ‘things’ I’m doing, (breath work, clean eating, walking, mindfulness, grounding, walking backwards, journalling, ocean swims) they are all great things. BUT, it’s the fine line where trying to be healthy actually becomes unhealthy.
My response to this realisation will be, to turn around. To turn inward, with grace, curiosity and start to mine the inner chambers of my heart to uncover the areas where thoughts and actions are being driven by fear, guilt and or destructive lies that we tend to collect, collate and entertain. A process that can happen over our whole lifetime and completely beyond our conscious awareness. They are heart matters.
These first 3 blogs, I have been referring to a podcast on ‘Feel Better Live More’ by Dr Rangan Chatterjee. He interviews Bessel Van der kolk, author of ‘The Body Keeps The Score.’ During their discussion, they share that there are multiple ways to heal. One part of the conversation discusses the idea that, if the body keeps the score, and we live in a very head (thought/logic) based society, can we heal by our thoughts alone? Bessel responds that he doesn’t have the answer when this is presented by Rangan as a question. I really love their conversation and the authenticity and the humility of these two doctors. Bessel goes on to say that there really are so many ways to heal, even suggesting that healing might come through a tennis coach, yoga teacher or a therapist. I personally have benefited from and seen in others the benefits of talk therapy and the power of self-awareness, but as Bessel points out, even with this, sometimes, symptoms don’t go away. The discussion goes on about the movement of the body as a part of a healing journey, and it includes thought provoking concepts around the ‘image’ we hold of our physical body.
This leads me to sharing some of my own experience. For way too many years, I denied the fact that, not only did I emotionally self-hate, I also had deeply ingrained body hate! Actually, now that I think about it, what I used to say was, ‘I have really thin ankles, they are my favourite part of myself!’ (enter eyebrow raise)…. Even with this coming from my own mouth, (and evidently exposing deeper issues in my heart) for most of my life, I have lived consciously unaware and ignoring the very detrimental image I have held of my body. I’m awakening to how harsh I have been on this incredible structure that carries me and has carried our children throughout my days and the impact this has had on many areas of life. I am beginning to genuinely be curious as to how and why I developed this image of my body, yep, this is taking some confronting honesty within myself. Over the last ten years, this exquisite but very confronting and painful journey kind of found me without me even recognising that was where I was being led. The process has included talk therapy, research, education, exercise among other modalities but the thing that I have found most powerful and that has contributed to positive change, has been my growing acceptance of reality. An acceptance of my experience, how I feel and how I view and talk to and about my body. Most surprising, is the connection of this to my own personal traumas. Traumas, as I wrote in previous posts that haven’t been as obvious as HUGE WORLD events but traumas that have shook and subsequently damaged my inner world.
Have the symptoms gone away? This is really hard to answer, sometimes it feels as if they have and other times it is as if they are as fresh as ever. But what I can say is, when I step back and look from a wider perspective, it really is a resounding yes!
As a result, I am a huge advocate for small, even very small steps, I believe strongly in the promise of these making a big difference!
I am also a BIG advocate for embracing (without shame and judgment upon oneself), times of zero steps, how we treat ourselves when we are stuck is as important as when we are moving.
I am most of all, a huge advocate of the deep dive alongside the small steps. This truly has been the key to unlocking the benefits of the small steps and for sustainable and positive changes. Trauma is treasure chest for each of us, containing valuable insights that can really enrich today’s experience of life.
During the podcast there is an emphasis on the important role of human interaction and supportive community in dealing with trauma. My desire is that these blogs are a bridge for you to these. I don’t know where your mind or heart is after reading this or what emotions might have begun to rise within you. Maybe, you don’t know either, and that’s ok. What, I do want you to know is, you are not alone.
Hope and freedom are very real commodities available for each of us and can be found in surprising ways in this one glorious life that brimming with possible treasure hunts.
I’m really glad you’re here, Amanda Jane *
